The ocean is one of those parenting things for me. You know those things you absolutely adore that you cannot wait to share with your kids?

That favorite book you read as a child.

That favorite ice cream spot.

That favorite summer vacation spot.

The ocean is that for me.

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I was a water baby. A water kid. A water grown up now I suppose.

My mom loves telling the story about my first trip to the beach in Florida when I crawled right into the water – completely obviously to the fact that the waves could carry me away. I have loved it ever since.

I love the feeling of your body diving smoothly into the water. I love the feeling of waves crashing around your toes. I love leaping over waves. I love paddling over them…

So imagine my surprise when not only was my son not impressed but he was afraid of the ocean.

The first time we took our twins to the beach it was gorgeous, quiet little spot along Lake Michigan in Wisconsin. It was a perfect day. Warm sun on our skin. Gentle breeze. The clear blue water collided in gentle waves on the shore.

This was it!

We walked our almost toddling babies down there and gave them a minute to take it all in.

Lake Michigan – if you haven’t had the delight – is huge. Although it’s obviously not as big as an ocean, it feels endless when you stand at it’s shore.

They stood bug eyed holding on to me. I was sure they were filled with the same awe and wonder and thrill I still feel every time. My daughter reached for it and started toddling forward. Our friend wadded way into the water with her. Soon they were both soaked and my daughter was giddy. Her smile stretched from ear to ear, except for when she determinedly pulled to go deeper into the water.

My son preferred the sand.

There was a huge part of me that wanted to shout “But you’re missing out! It’s awesome in there!” I wanted to pull him into the water. I wanted to pick him up and splash him in the next wave. He’d realize the error of his judgement, right?

It’s one of those parenting moments when you realize your kid just isn’t going to love everything you do. It’s heartbreaking.

Six years later we are heading to the beach again. This time it is Long Island Beach in New York with my parents.

The back of the car is loaded down with sand toys and swimsuits and sunscreen. Tucked to one side are boogie boards for my son. That same kid who refused to get in the water all those years ago will spend the better part of the week letting his body get slammed by waves as he attempts to ride them.

It’s hard to believe he’s the same kid sometimes.

So how did we get here? How did he go from a baby and toddler afraid to touch a wave, to my boogie board obsessed six year old?

I wish I had a magic switch for you that I could mail and fix all your child’s fears, but I don’t. Instead I have three pieces of advice.

Three pieces of advice that will hopefully help you help your child in taking baby steps away from being afraid of the open water.

3 Tips for Helping a Overcome a Fear of Water

1. Accept your child’s feelings.

This was the hardest part for me. You’re scared of the water? Why? That makes NO sense. The water is awesome! is what I thought every single beach trip for years.

It was however how he felt and I was mostly able to just accept that. Fear is where he was. That’s where we had to start. He was afraid of the waves and that was okay.

Be calm and comforting. 

2. Embrace what they are willing to do

As long as I wasn’t pressuring him, my son was thrilled to be at the beach.

He would chase seagulls up and down the beach, so he started joining me on quiet morning runs where he got the whole flock to chase on his own.

He would build endless sand castles and moats, so we got different sand toys to expand his play.

He would bury me and his sister with sand, so I spent sunny days with my feet buried in the sand.

In the pool, he adapted much more quickly so we took more mom and baby swim lessons and eventually big kid lessons.

These were ways he would interact with the beach and water. He felt safe once he realized I wasn’t going to pressure him and we could still have a lot of fun at the beach.

Start wherever they are and build from there. 

3. Keep providing opportunities

This is one of the hardest things about parenting: providing opportunities without pressuring.

Finding that balance between pushing your child to do things they aren’t comfortable with, but not allowing them to be held back by fear or lack of awareness or whatever else life brings.

More than anything, I think this requires a monumental amount of patience. 

In their first five years, my kids saw a beach more times than I can count. I am after all still a water baby. My husband and I tend to choose places to vacation where long, sunny days playing on the sand and surf are the obvious option. Along with those swim lessons, my son walked along beaches, dug in sand by beaches, watched his family members play in the waves, and perhaps most importantly observed his sister’s obvious love of the ocean.

My husband and I would occasionally ask if he wanted to go chase the waves with one of us or take a turn getting held in the water to jump over waves. He would ignore us or just shake his head no.

Every now and then, however, he would try it.

He would come chase the waves, trying not to let them catch us as we ran in and out from the end of the water. He would tolerate one of us carrying him out a little ways, mostly horrified when the waves would jump up and touch his legs.We would stop when he wanted to stop, but we certainly made sure he knew we were having fun.

I wish I could say that I remember the first time he ran to the water himself. I don’t. What I remember is a gradual shift.

He went from being a kid that only ever played in the sand to a kid that only played in the sand, except for maybe one time each trip he’d hold my hand near the water to a kid that would go and splash in the waves for a while as long as he was holding on tight to one of us.

Then in July of 2016, he noticed his first boogie board.

He was digging in the sand as usual. His sister was way out in the water jumping waves with her grandpa. He had paused and was carefully watching a group of kids riding the waves.

“Mama? I want to do that.”

My kid? The one who only occasionally went in the water wanted to ride a wave? He wanted to have waves crashing around him? He wanted to get swallowed up by one and spun around and dropped on the sand?

Ummm…okay?

I bought him a boogie board at the closest surf shop that afternoon.

If he’s reading this some day I hope he isn’t offended when I say, I really didn’t think he would ride it.

I thought there was a 95% chance that he was going to get out there with his little board, take one look at the plan and go back to digging his hole to China. I thought there was a pretty good chance that I would get to ride a boogie board.

On the other hand, if there was even a one percent chance that he would like it, I was in.

The next morning we waded out there together. He was carrying the board almost as big as him against his body. I gave him a few tips and set him up laying down in the water and waited for a wave.

With a little push he was off. Up and over the wave carried him.

I held my breath.

He popped up when he reached the sand with a huge grin. “AGAIN!” he shouted.

I got him ready again and let go. Again he popped up grinning ear to ear.

This time when I reached out to help he said, “I’ve got this mom.”

I watched him all morning and for the rest of the week. A serious face while he waited for the right wave. Swirling up and crashing into the shore. Jumping up with a huge smile.

Like magic, gone was my baby clutching to my shoulder. Our empathy and gentle encouragement and oh so much patience had paid off.

On Friday I bought a second boogie board. It was the only way anyone else was going to get a turn. I smiled the whole way back to the beach.

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